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| Fabulous Black Woman's Newsletter March Edition |
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what you choose to eat or what you choose to say or not say to someone or whether to follow
your intuition and phone an old friend. Every choice matters, and deep in our intuitive gut, we
know it—which explains why we anguish over making choices ranging from what to order on a
menu to who we should be with in a relationship.
When it comes to the choices we make in our relationships, however, my experience with so
many people is that they admit to "settling" for someone who is not really what they wanted, but
at least they are not alone. I receive at least five calls each week on my weekly radio show from
women and sometimes men who are desperate to figure out a way to fix a relationship that is
simply not holding together. You don't have to be a medical intuitive to recognize that these
callers are not being driven by love but by the fear of being alone and that they will do anything
just to avoid an empty house—or an empty bed. For these people, their choices can only lead
to that inevitable moment of heartbreak when they will find themselves asking,"How did this
happen to me?" How? By settling for something other than what you really want.
But here is where this dynamic gets "spiritually sticky": Whether you "settle" for less than you
want in a relationship or in any other area of your life, the knowledge that you have
compromised your heart and intuitive truth will consciously or unconsciously lead you to
sabotage your own choice. If you hit your inner pause button for just a second right now and
reflect on this, you will connect with the truth of this statement.
Why would you sabotage your own choice? Your actions may not be conscious, but no one
can live with the pain of self-betrayal and not find an outlet for that pain. That pain may get
routed into an addiction or into depression or into anger at the other person for becoming a
constant source of disappointment, but that pain has to go somewhere. In a very real sense,
this negative behavior is actually a form of survival in that a part of your psyche is deliberately
trying to break out of a situation that you cannot survive in, much less thrive in. Your conscious
self may be too frightened to take charge of such bold steps directly. Therefore, you take these
steps covertly through anger or food addiction or becoming more withdrawn and depressed.
If you think the resolution to this pattern is easy, think again. Settling for something less than
what you want is something you can't avoid, because always getting what you want is
impossible. You would become an uncontrollable narcissist living among a society of
narcissists. So how's that for a dilemma? Given that, how can you make choices that are not
self-sabotaging or narcissistic but truly reflect your inner guidance?
1. First, it's important to understand that the subtle difference between "settling" for something
and "choosing" something is that settling is a passive choice that lets you off the hook in terms
of taking responsibility for the consequences. If you feel you settled for something, you could
tell yourself you did so because of pressures weighing upon you or fears—in other words,
"you had no choice," but your gut will never really let you off the truth-hook. Making a choice,
though more intimidating, puts you in the driver's seat of your own life and the consequences
of each of your decisions. We have an inherent understanding of this, which is one reason we
so often avoid making choices. We do not fear our choices; we fear managing the
consequences of them by ourselves. Yet, in spite of the fear of the consequences of a
personal choice, you will always find it easier to live with than settling for a situation in which
you feel compromised.
2. Second, as a personal exercise, take note of how often you have "settled" for things in your
life as opposed to chosen them, whether that is a relationship or not. Was settling for
something driven by the fear of survival or the fear of nothing else (or no one else) coming
along? Was a decision to settle for something driven by lack of resources? And is your
situation different now? More to the point, are you different now and capable of challenging
fear-driven choices?
3. Take time to reflect upon what really matters in your life. Though all choices have the power
to shift the direction of your life, some choices are far more significant. Ending the chaos
created by settling for the less authentic choices begins by discerning the difference between
what you want and what you need in your life, whether in relationships or other life choices.
Following what you want is often a path filled with disappointments because it operates on a
pain-pleasure scale, easily tipped and easily broken. The path of what you need, on the other
hand, is a far deeper soul path that often anchors us in challenges that serve as depth
charges. Through these challenges that seem to eclipse our wants, we so often discover our
greatest talents and inner resources precisely because the path of what we need is the one
demanding the most of us. Ironically, it is the path of what we need that leads us to that place
of saying, "I would never have chosen this, but I am so glad I'm here."
Being able to say to yourself, "I may want to do this, but I need to do that," is an indication that
you are shifting a value system to one that is far more in harmony with your inner life. Such an
approach to your life may not make your decisions easier, but inner clarity and wisdom most
certainly will make navigating your life a much more fulfilling experience.
A wisdom jewel: It's better to want what you don't have than to have what you don't want.
your intuition and phone an old friend. Every choice matters, and deep in our intuitive gut, we
know it—which explains why we anguish over making choices ranging from what to order on a
menu to who we should be with in a relationship.
When it comes to the choices we make in our relationships, however, my experience with so
many people is that they admit to "settling" for someone who is not really what they wanted, but
at least they are not alone. I receive at least five calls each week on my weekly radio show from
women and sometimes men who are desperate to figure out a way to fix a relationship that is
simply not holding together. You don't have to be a medical intuitive to recognize that these
callers are not being driven by love but by the fear of being alone and that they will do anything
just to avoid an empty house—or an empty bed. For these people, their choices can only lead
to that inevitable moment of heartbreak when they will find themselves asking,"How did this
happen to me?" How? By settling for something other than what you really want.
But here is where this dynamic gets "spiritually sticky": Whether you "settle" for less than you
want in a relationship or in any other area of your life, the knowledge that you have
compromised your heart and intuitive truth will consciously or unconsciously lead you to
sabotage your own choice. If you hit your inner pause button for just a second right now and
reflect on this, you will connect with the truth of this statement.
Why would you sabotage your own choice? Your actions may not be conscious, but no one
can live with the pain of self-betrayal and not find an outlet for that pain. That pain may get
routed into an addiction or into depression or into anger at the other person for becoming a
constant source of disappointment, but that pain has to go somewhere. In a very real sense,
this negative behavior is actually a form of survival in that a part of your psyche is deliberately
trying to break out of a situation that you cannot survive in, much less thrive in. Your conscious
self may be too frightened to take charge of such bold steps directly. Therefore, you take these
steps covertly through anger or food addiction or becoming more withdrawn and depressed.
If you think the resolution to this pattern is easy, think again. Settling for something less than
what you want is something you can't avoid, because always getting what you want is
impossible. You would become an uncontrollable narcissist living among a society of
narcissists. So how's that for a dilemma? Given that, how can you make choices that are not
self-sabotaging or narcissistic but truly reflect your inner guidance?
1. First, it's important to understand that the subtle difference between "settling" for something
and "choosing" something is that settling is a passive choice that lets you off the hook in terms
of taking responsibility for the consequences. If you feel you settled for something, you could
tell yourself you did so because of pressures weighing upon you or fears—in other words,
"you had no choice," but your gut will never really let you off the truth-hook. Making a choice,
though more intimidating, puts you in the driver's seat of your own life and the consequences
of each of your decisions. We have an inherent understanding of this, which is one reason we
so often avoid making choices. We do not fear our choices; we fear managing the
consequences of them by ourselves. Yet, in spite of the fear of the consequences of a
personal choice, you will always find it easier to live with than settling for a situation in which
you feel compromised.
2. Second, as a personal exercise, take note of how often you have "settled" for things in your
life as opposed to chosen them, whether that is a relationship or not. Was settling for
something driven by the fear of survival or the fear of nothing else (or no one else) coming
along? Was a decision to settle for something driven by lack of resources? And is your
situation different now? More to the point, are you different now and capable of challenging
fear-driven choices?
3. Take time to reflect upon what really matters in your life. Though all choices have the power
to shift the direction of your life, some choices are far more significant. Ending the chaos
created by settling for the less authentic choices begins by discerning the difference between
what you want and what you need in your life, whether in relationships or other life choices.
Following what you want is often a path filled with disappointments because it operates on a
pain-pleasure scale, easily tipped and easily broken. The path of what you need, on the other
hand, is a far deeper soul path that often anchors us in challenges that serve as depth
charges. Through these challenges that seem to eclipse our wants, we so often discover our
greatest talents and inner resources precisely because the path of what we need is the one
demanding the most of us. Ironically, it is the path of what we need that leads us to that place
of saying, "I would never have chosen this, but I am so glad I'm here."
Being able to say to yourself, "I may want to do this, but I need to do that," is an indication that
you are shifting a value system to one that is far more in harmony with your inner life. Such an
approach to your life may not make your decisions easier, but inner clarity and wisdom most
certainly will make navigating your life a much more fulfilling experience.
A wisdom jewel: It's better to want what you don't have than to have what you don't want.
We all know to go to Zappos for shoes or Amazon for,
well, anything nowadays, but where do you turn when
you get diagnosed with a heart condition, or you're
wondering whether your symptoms add up to irritable
bowel syndrome, or you want to do a little digging on
the drug your doctor prescribed? Sure, you can
google yourself silly, but with so much
contradictory-and in some cases flat-out
wrong-information on the Web, how do you make
sure the advice you collect is reliable?
The good news is that there is valuable information if
you know where to look; even the professionals troll
the Internet to learn about cutting-edge studies or
unorthodox treatments. "The Web is wonderful for
finding news that's not so mainstream," says
Christiane Northrup, MD, the ob-gyn who wrote
Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. "Alternative
viewpoints can be just as useful in treating illness,
only we don't hear about them as often."
The issue: General health
The expert: Mehmet Oz, MD, host of the Dr. Oz Show
and coauthor of the best-selling You: The Owner's
Manual series
The pick: "For one-stop women's health advice, I
recommend HealthyWomen.org . Experts are
available to answer questions, and you can read
about women with similar concerns. It's a great place
to start researching health issues; they offer a bunch
of useful fact sheets on topics like diabetes and
aging that you can download."
The issue: Prescription meds and supplements
The expert: Kristen Binaso, a pharmacist and
spokesperson for the American Pharmacists
Association
The pick: The most reliable information on
prescription drugs is at the U.S. National Library of
Medicine and National Institutes of Health's
MedlinePlus site [ nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus ]. You'll
find drug interactions, the latest black box warnings
about serious adverse effects, and extensive
information on supplements, including efficacy."
The issue: Heart health
The expert: Lynne Shuster, MD, founding director of
the Women's Health Clinic at the Mayo Clinic
The pick: " WomenHeart.org is the website of the
National Coalition for Women with Heart Disease,
founded by three women who had heart attacks in
their 40s. The site provides a wide range of
information that is unique to women with heart
conditions, and it's carefully reviewed by a committed
team of heart disease experts."
The issue: Mental health
The expert: Robert Klitzman, MD, professor of clinical
psychiatry at Columbia University College of
Physicians and Surgeons and the author of When
Doctors Become Patients
The pick: "A lot of mental health sites focus solely on
depression, but WebMD.com gives good background
on everything from stress management to ADHD.
The site, however, could do a slightly better job of
making it clear that in many instances the best
treatment for mental health disorders may be talk
therapy, by itself or combined with medication."
well, anything nowadays, but where do you turn when
you get diagnosed with a heart condition, or you're
wondering whether your symptoms add up to irritable
bowel syndrome, or you want to do a little digging on
the drug your doctor prescribed? Sure, you can
google yourself silly, but with so much
contradictory-and in some cases flat-out
wrong-information on the Web, how do you make
sure the advice you collect is reliable?
The good news is that there is valuable information if
you know where to look; even the professionals troll
the Internet to learn about cutting-edge studies or
unorthodox treatments. "The Web is wonderful for
finding news that's not so mainstream," says
Christiane Northrup, MD, the ob-gyn who wrote
Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. "Alternative
viewpoints can be just as useful in treating illness,
only we don't hear about them as often."
The issue: General health
The expert: Mehmet Oz, MD, host of the Dr. Oz Show
and coauthor of the best-selling You: The Owner's
Manual series
The pick: "For one-stop women's health advice, I
recommend HealthyWomen.org . Experts are
available to answer questions, and you can read
about women with similar concerns. It's a great place
to start researching health issues; they offer a bunch
of useful fact sheets on topics like diabetes and
aging that you can download."
The issue: Prescription meds and supplements
The expert: Kristen Binaso, a pharmacist and
spokesperson for the American Pharmacists
Association
The pick: The most reliable information on
prescription drugs is at the U.S. National Library of
Medicine and National Institutes of Health's
MedlinePlus site [ nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus ]. You'll
find drug interactions, the latest black box warnings
about serious adverse effects, and extensive
information on supplements, including efficacy."
The issue: Heart health
The expert: Lynne Shuster, MD, founding director of
the Women's Health Clinic at the Mayo Clinic
The pick: " WomenHeart.org is the website of the
National Coalition for Women with Heart Disease,
founded by three women who had heart attacks in
their 40s. The site provides a wide range of
information that is unique to women with heart
conditions, and it's carefully reviewed by a committed
team of heart disease experts."
The issue: Mental health
The expert: Robert Klitzman, MD, professor of clinical
psychiatry at Columbia University College of
Physicians and Surgeons and the author of When
Doctors Become Patients
The pick: "A lot of mental health sites focus solely on
depression, but WebMD.com gives good background
on everything from stress management to ADHD.
The site, however, could do a slightly better job of
making it clear that in many instances the best
treatment for mental health disorders may be talk
therapy, by itself or combined with medication."
The issue: Infertility
The expert: Alice Domar, PhD, founder of the
Domar Center for Mind/Body Health and
author of Conquering Infertility
The pick: "For unbiased, comprehensive,
and up-to-date information on infertility, the
best site is Resolve.org . It combines
medical information, tips, and strategies for
coping with the emotional impact of infertility,
plus information on all family-building
options. It has links to local resources and
state-by-state insurance coverage."
The issue: Disease risk
The expert: Tara Parker-Pope, author of the
New York Times "Well" blog
The pick: " YourDiseaseRisk.com is a guide
for assessing your chances of developing
cancer, diabetes, heart disease,
osteoporosis, and stroke. You answer
questions and it gives you an indication of
where you fall on the spectrum. It was
created by a Harvard doctor, and it's based
on all the scientific evidence out there."
The issue: Cancer
The expert: Paula A. Johnson, MD, chief of
the division of Women's Health at Brigham
and Women's Hospital
The pick: "I really like WomensHealth.gov , a
website of the U.S. Department of Health and
Human Services. It's broad, with a lot of
factual information, but it also has a lot of
vetted links. Unlike many other sites, it will
steer you to trustworthy places. Think of it as
a gateway to the best cancer resources on
the Web."
The issue: Menopause
The expert: Susan Love, MD, president of the
Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation and
author of Dr. Susan Love's Menopause &
Hormone Book
The pick: "For support and community, I have
always liked Power-Surge.com . The
message boards tend to be good, and the
site does a better job of describing women's
experiences than anything else out there. I
caution people, though, that the site
uncritically recommends bioidentical
hormones even though the safety data
doesn't exist yet."
The issue: Pediatric health
The expert: Harvey Karp, MD, author of The
Happiest Toddler on the Block and a
professor of pediatrics at the University of
Southern California School of Medicine
The pick: " HealthyChildren.org was just
launched by the American Academy of
Pediatrics. This is a well-developed health-
oriented site that's there to give you advice on
raising your child and also to calm your mind
about medical concerns. It talks directly to
parents, not below them or over their heads."
The issue: Fitness
The expert: Bob Greene, exercise
physiologist, trainer to Oprah, and founder of
TheBestLife.com
The pick: "The American Council on Exercise
has added an extensive library of exercises
to their site, ACEFitness.org . Click on the Get
Fit tab and you'll find many moves for every
muscle group. The instructions are easy to
follow and the information is free."
The expert: Alice Domar, PhD, founder of the
Domar Center for Mind/Body Health and
author of Conquering Infertility
The pick: "For unbiased, comprehensive,
and up-to-date information on infertility, the
best site is Resolve.org . It combines
medical information, tips, and strategies for
coping with the emotional impact of infertility,
plus information on all family-building
options. It has links to local resources and
state-by-state insurance coverage."
The issue: Disease risk
The expert: Tara Parker-Pope, author of the
New York Times "Well" blog
The pick: " YourDiseaseRisk.com is a guide
for assessing your chances of developing
cancer, diabetes, heart disease,
osteoporosis, and stroke. You answer
questions and it gives you an indication of
where you fall on the spectrum. It was
created by a Harvard doctor, and it's based
on all the scientific evidence out there."
The issue: Cancer
The expert: Paula A. Johnson, MD, chief of
the division of Women's Health at Brigham
and Women's Hospital
The pick: "I really like WomensHealth.gov , a
website of the U.S. Department of Health and
Human Services. It's broad, with a lot of
factual information, but it also has a lot of
vetted links. Unlike many other sites, it will
steer you to trustworthy places. Think of it as
a gateway to the best cancer resources on
the Web."
The issue: Menopause
The expert: Susan Love, MD, president of the
Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation and
author of Dr. Susan Love's Menopause &
Hormone Book
The pick: "For support and community, I have
always liked Power-Surge.com . The
message boards tend to be good, and the
site does a better job of describing women's
experiences than anything else out there. I
caution people, though, that the site
uncritically recommends bioidentical
hormones even though the safety data
doesn't exist yet."
The issue: Pediatric health
The expert: Harvey Karp, MD, author of The
Happiest Toddler on the Block and a
professor of pediatrics at the University of
Southern California School of Medicine
The pick: " HealthyChildren.org was just
launched by the American Academy of
Pediatrics. This is a well-developed health-
oriented site that's there to give you advice on
raising your child and also to calm your mind
about medical concerns. It talks directly to
parents, not below them or over their heads."
The issue: Fitness
The expert: Bob Greene, exercise
physiologist, trainer to Oprah, and founder of
TheBestLife.com
The pick: "The American Council on Exercise
has added an extensive library of exercises
to their site, ACEFitness.org . Click on the Get
Fit tab and you'll find many moves for every
muscle group. The instructions are easy to
follow and the information is free."
| The Most Reliable Websites For Women |
| Are You Choosing? Are You Settling? Are You Choosing to Settle? |
As someone in the healing arts, I am always engaging in
conversations with people about the challenges
confronting their lives. Difficulties enter our lives through
any number of doorways—illness, job loss, accidents.
The possibilities are endless, as we all know. Often, we
feel powerless over the dilemmas we find ourselves in,
causing us to hit our inner pause buttons and ask, "How
did this happen to me?"
Obviously, we don't have control over all the events of our
lives, but upon reflection, we discover that we do exert
quite a field of influence because we have the power of
choice. And there is no such thing as a small choice—not
really—not if you truly reflect upon the short- and long-
term consequences of even one choice, whether that is
conversations with people about the challenges
confronting their lives. Difficulties enter our lives through
any number of doorways—illness, job loss, accidents.
The possibilities are endless, as we all know. Often, we
feel powerless over the dilemmas we find ourselves in,
causing us to hit our inner pause buttons and ask, "How
did this happen to me?"
Obviously, we don't have control over all the events of our
lives, but upon reflection, we discover that we do exert
quite a field of influence because we have the power of
choice. And there is no such thing as a small choice—not
really—not if you truly reflect upon the short- and long-
term consequences of even one choice, whether that is