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Dare you question…Religion

October 5th, 2008

Last night my son and I went to a Gospel Comedy Show. On our way there; he asked me if I was a Chrisitan; I am assuming he asked because we don’t go to church anymore…I have struggled with religion my entire adult life. The struggle had been so great at times; that I would have praying sessions that lasted hours; days; weeks; at a time trying to seek out my place in the Christian world.

I wasn’t raised in the church; my parents would put us on the church bus every Sunday morning; while they stayed home and…hmmm…I don’t know what they did, but now that I’m 30 something with kids; I can imagine what they did. This didn’t last very long and I later found out that we stopped going because the pastor had either molested or gotten one of the girls pregnant in the congregation. So, from the time I was about 8 until I was an adult, I didn’t have much of an experience with Church or an understanding of Christianity; all I really knew that Christianity meant good and non-Chrisitanity meant bad. So as an adult, I took it upon myself to go to church; partly because I was somewhat ashamed that I was so ignorant about Chrisitanity and Church and partly because I was under the impression that you had to be Christian to live a good life and I wanted to live a good life.

When I was about 23 I joined church and went faithfully 2-3 times a week; I tithed; read my Bible and began to participate in the Church. It didn’t take long before I noticed the Politics in church; the cliqueness; the UnChristian like ways of much of the congregation, so my 2-3 days soon dwindled; then eventually stopped all together. I started to seek out other churches to visit and from time to time, I visited a different church, but never really felt at home at any of them. Eventually, I stopped seeking all together and became somewhat content with not going to church or not being a Christian.

Then one day I woke up and realized that my light was dimming. Soon, I felt as if I was living in complete darkness, and the only solution for me was to go to church to seek a relationship with the ONLY one that could help me. I talked to my cousin, which was the ONLY person in my family that went to church religiously and asked her about her church. She went on and on about how much she loved it, so I visited it and instantly fell in love as well. I was now back on track and feeling a lot better. After only a few visits, I decided to join and I began new member classes to learn the fundamentals.

Not long after joining the church, enrolled in a Christian college so that I could learn as much as possible. I quickly realized I had a lot of catching up to do. Almost every person in my class had been raised in church; their parents were leaders of a church; they were assistant pastors; or someone “important” in the church; they were all devout Christians that surpassed me by leaps and bounds, but I was there to learn and I knew that with so many Christians; I would leave with an abundance of knowledge; as well as a much stronger faith! Boy, was I wrong…There were too many versions of the Bible; too many opinions on the interpretations of scripture; too many questions about what was absolute and what was probable…I was more confused than when I started my journey to Christianity…I began to have doubts and question everything…Whenever the Pastor would preach; I would pick apart his entire sermon and find flaws or contradictions; I would keep leaving the church feeling robbed or empty…

One day I was talking to a student in the class about my struggle; and he said that he had learned about this African Religion; Yoruba and it was really interesting and that I should check it out…I was not really interested because my mission was to seek God and Christianity, but one thing that he said did stick out…He said, Eddie you do realize that before our ancestors were taken from Africa, they had no idea what Chrisitanity was; we had our own religions, maybe Christianity isn’t right for you…I was offended because it was almost as if he was saying my heart wasn’t good enough to be a Christian or something. Then maybe a year later, I was in a tiny book store; I wasn’t even there to buy a book, but to conduct a meeting with the owner, when I saw a book on Yoruba…I was drawn to it; I opened it and flipped through a couple of pages and put it down because I wanted to remain dedicated to being the best Christian I could and I was focused on becoming filled with the Holy Spirit and living my life Christ-like. Then during my most devoted hour; when I was at my peak; I was doing EVERYTHING right; no partying; drinking; fornication; lying…etc; I was going to Bible study; spreading the word; going to church and school to seek knowlege…my absolute DARKEST hour hit me and knocked the wind out of me and the Pastor wasn’t there; I reached out to him for help, and he wasn’t there…I tried to continue to attend because I wasn’t there for the Pastor, but for my salvation, but each week it was harder and harder to look at him, let alone believe in his words; when I felt as if he abandonded me; so I quit going.

I continued to seek understanding and I tried everyday to continue on my path to growing in Christianity…Then out of the blue I get an invitation to join this group on Black Planet about the African Religion Yoruba…I had recalled the guy in class talking about it, so I joined the group. I didn’t partcipate much because it was very confusing…I had no idea what the words meant, let alone the message the members were trying to convey, but the little I could understand peaked my intereste…About 6 months later, I got another invitation to another Yoruba group, but this was more like a myspace site, but all of the members practiced the religion, I asked questions and got answers, but I was still pretty confused, so I soon stopped going to my page.

Then one day, I’m sitting at home meditating and I just get filled with emotion and I start crying and praying…I can feel the prayer pouring from my heart; I am not even in control of the prayer…the words are just coming out of my mouth…I am praying for closeness with God; guidance; clarity; to end my religious struggle; end my battle with Good vs. Evil. As quickly as the emotions filled me; they left and I was fine…Kind of like my prayer was answered and the burden lifted.

The next day; the psychic called me and asked me if I wanted to see her…to make a long story short, I tried to reach her over a year earlier, but we played phone tag…I hadn’t tried to reach her since, but I had been searching for her business card; she said that for some reason she came across my message I sent her with my phone number; She didn’t realize how old the message was, so she called me. The next day I went to see her and the first thing she says is…I know you…I know I know you from somewhere (now mind you she is a 60 year old Cuban lady that has such a thick accent, I would definately remember her). So, I tell her that I doub if she knows me and she say, I do, I am never wrong about things like this…I just brush it off because I think, okay, she is tripping. Then the next thing she says is…You are seeking knowlege; you aren’t here for a reading; You have been struggling with your religion and spirituality and you are seeking help with this…Tears instantly start to fill my eyes, but I don’t say anything…I don’t reveal ANYTHING about my past or my religious background to her. She tells me that my Guardian (kind of like a guardian Angel), who is an African tribesman; from Nigeria, is my ancestor and was brough to America on a slave ship; she said that he lost his life because he would not convert to Christianity and continued to believe in and practice YORUBA. She said that he has been trying to guide me to the religion and trying to guide me away from Christianity, which is why I constantly struggle with it so deeply and painfully…now tears are just streaming down my face because I am both relieved yet scared to death (I had just prayed the night before to be delivered from this struggle)….She then tells me that her ancestors are also from the African Tribe that practices Yoruba and that we are both “mediums/psychics”, which is why she felt so close to me and why she felt as if she knows me. Suddenly tears start to fill her eyes, but I don’t know why, but she keeps telling me that my struggle is over; the answer is right in front of me…She then starts to talk to more about the religion and I start to feel more at home…

I’m so afraid to NOT call myself a Christian…Although I wasn’t raised in the Church, I have been taught my entire life that the only way is through Christianity…Would I be turning my back or am I being guided toward…I really don’t know, but wherever I go, it will be because I followed my heart and not because I followed some societal norm…

I still go sit with the psychic just to kick it becasue she is cool as hell and we are so much alike it’s not even funny…I never thought I would have so much in common with a 60 year old Cuban woman…lol. We do talk some about the religion, but mostly we talk about life.She gives me readings sometimes too…FOR FREE…She thinks that I may be a priestest one day (which is techincally what she is…she does NOT like to be called a psychic) Who knows…i guess anything is possible.

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