fabulousblackwoman.com Blog

October 13th, 2008

I was sitting talking to my son the other day and he told me that he doesn’t want me to get married again or if I did decide to, he wanted it to be once he is out of the house. I understand that step families aren’t always easy to be in…I was in TWO step families after both my parents remarried and the difference was like night and day…when I was with my mother and her husband, it was terrible, and when I was with my father and his wife, I loved it! The situation with my stepfather & mother was so “bad” for the lack of a better word, that it impacted my views of motherhood and the importance of having a strong relationship with my kids, and why I adore my kids so much and they are the center of my world.

I am very protective of my kids’ feelings…especially my son’s because he’s experienced so much in life and I am his only comfort…My last marriage really took a toll on him emotinoally and there’s nothing in the world worth him having to go through anything like that again…Although nothing drastic happened, just going through a divorce and losing a father for the second time, even if it was a stepfather, was really hard for him…

Although he is by NO MEANS in danger of me getting married again, especially no time soon as I’m not sure that’s something I will ever do again, not because I had a bad experience, but because I know a piece of paper isn’t what makes me committed…But I do look forward to being in a meaningful relationship that I can include my children in one day. ..I told him that there are A LOT of things I will sacrafice I told him that I though it was pretty selfish of him to expect for me to be single for 4 MORE years (by the time he is 18, it will be 8 years) I tried to explain to him that one day it may not be just the three of us and that it is possible that another man will be in our home..He said he wished I would just wait until he goes away to college because he loves me so much, he didn’t know what he would do if someone ever disrespected me or hurt me…What do you say behind that? I tried to explain to him that I would never be with someone that disrespected me and that I can take care of myself, but I could see he wasn’t buying it cause really, you can’t gurantee that another person will never say something disrespectful…or maybe my son will think it’s disrespectful and I don’t…I can really see the possible “issues” this may cause…so how much do you sacrafice for your children…One of the women I went to DC with has been single for 19 years because she hasn’t met anyone that “fit” with her son. she said under NO circumstances was she willing to compromise when it came to him…Is anyone worth the trouble, I mean her son will be gone in one year and she will probably still be single long after he’s gone and will probably become lonely shortly thereafter…how hard do you fight to keep a relationship with a man that comes between your relationship with your child? Do you just hope that with time it gets better? Do you even consider your child, as “they don’t know any better” Do you sacrafice completely for your child because it’s our duty as parents? I know too well the pains of a blended family and honestly, I was traumatized by mines…Some of my issues stem from what I went through being in a step family…I also experienced what a functional blended family was like as well and I remember havnig some of the best times of my life with them…Fortunately, these aren’t issues that I need to address in the immediate future…That’s one of those bridges I will cross when/if I get to it.

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